I’ve read a lot of books, wrote a few songs, looked at my life where its going, where its gone
Well, it’s been a while since I last decided to take a few moments to jot down the various events that have consumed my everyday life. And whlie I wish I had some grandiose anecdote to share, I don’t. The run-of-the-mill, mundane existence that I have become accustomed to has remained a constant, but I’m realizing that it isn’t all that bad.
I’ve done a fair amount of complaining up to this point. Sadly, it has been at the forefront of most my posts, which doesn’t say a whole lot when you take into consideration that fact that I haven’t been doing this very long. I’m working on being a little more positive in these little sessions. Although, there is a wave of guilt that washes over me during that thought, as, what is a blog for if you can’t rant and rave about the monotanous day-to-day events that unfold?
Either way, positivity. I’m working on it.
I’ve recently discovered that I am walking a fine line between my own life and that of the fictitious Hank Moody from Californication. While his life, albeit as about as true as the sky is green, seems like a aspiration I should have, I’d rather only pluck a few of his shenanigans to insert into my own life.
I can relate all too well with his quest to regain the girl he once lost. While I’ve never had the opportunity to regain in this situation, I find myself in the same situation. Normally I would feel as guilty as a nun swearing, but there is a large part of me who firmly believes that this girl is, dare I say, “the one”.
I’m not ready to fully committ to that phrase just yet, for obvious reasons, the first and foremost being that I have no idea what life would be like with her more involved in my life. However, that being said, I can honestly say that the feelings that have been summoned from a far away place within my heart of hearts, once thought to never return again, have surfaced with a force unbeknownst to me.
I’ve usually always been the type to enjoy the chase, and once it was over, move on. Sometimes it takes a while to move on and other times it happens in the blink of an eye. Either way, that’s the route that I have otherwise chosen in my pursuit for the elusive “true love”. This. is. different.
It’s one of those things that you can’t quite put your finger on when you try to verbalize it, or in this case write it out, but deep down, it’s something. The mere fact that I’ve been able to realize this speaks volumes. You know that whole thing about kissing frogs until you find your prince? Well consider this the male version of that fairytale. I’ve dated all different kinds of girls, from all walks of life, all with very different ideologies and interests. And while it has been fun, and I’ve learned the things I want and don’t want in a relationship, they never amounted to anything more than prolonged one night stands.
Don’t get me wrong, a one night stand, regardless of how long it is, isn’t a bad thing. But, at the ripe old age of 24, I’m ready to move beyond the juvenile, puppy love scenario’s and start plotting out the early stages of my life beyond university; in this case, with her.
But, as in all epic battles of love, there is an obstacle, that in this case, I fear is too much to overcome. But it sure as hell won’t stop me from trying. If there’s one thing I’ve come to realize after many fateful years of failed attempts at meaningful relationships, is that when you find someone who makes you feel the way she does, you don’t let anything stand in your way.
Do I wish it were easier? Of course I do. Who wouldn’t? But this scene hasn’t afforded me that luxury, and thus, I must go about my business in an obviously subtle way. Man I love oxymorons.
The thing that really gets to me is the little things she’s told me about her current beau. She took the day off work today due to sickness. We fired off emails back and forth, mine trying to break up her monotonous day of feeling sick and watching movies, and her sending them to me to keep me sane during another long production day at the newspaper. During one email I told her that I would bring her some chicken noodle soup (it cures all you know, and even if it doesn’t, I think it’s a nice though) and told her that her boyfriend should be doing the same. She promptly told me that “that’s not him”, referring to the sad thought that he wouldn’t perform this simple act.
Am I being a little dramatic? Probably. But hey, why should the drama be relegated to the female persuasion?
Either way, I’ve grown extremely sleepy in the last 10 minutes, and don’t wish to further infuriate my feelings anymore at the absence that exists without her in my life. So for now, that’s that.
As for the next step? Well, who really knows. It’s just one of those things. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. Sometimes it rains. Think about it. All I know is that I won’t stop trying. Of course that could be the dumbest move I could choose to make. But what is life it not for a blue print of the mistakes and correct moves you make along the way?
